Kan ye fight yer way onto the cover of Vogue? Well, Kimye kan!

      

I watched with somewhat bewildered amusement and not a small degree of horror this past week over the fuss that was caused by putting a particular couple on the cover of prestigious Vogue magazine - we are of course talking about paparazzi stalwarts Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. I won't refer to them by their current double-barreled branding term (Kimye) but rather, due to Kim realising a lifelong ambition after having been previously dismissed by Vogue editor Anna Wintour, well, I will refer to them as KimKan. Cos she clearly can. 

First off, who didn't believe that she wanted to be on the cover of Vogue? For someone who was born into privilege and whose primary employment in life appears to have been shopping for clothes and accessories, well, there's no real shock that she would one day spend her way onto the cover - is there? Combine that with the pathological ambition of the other K, a loose cannon that knows no bounds, and you have the media version of the classical power couple.

Now listen carefully, people, because I had to wrestle with the very question of even commenting on this candyfloss story in my blog, not least because I am no fan of Kanye West. Apart from anything else, I don't know one grown man who was not disgusted by what he did to Taylor Swift at the Grammys. And yes, I know that Ms. Swift is quite the ' lil missy herself, but what he did was a total disgrace, as was the almost sanctioning expression of BeyJay whose video losing out to Swift was what caused the rant. I remain amazed that some big rocker did not go up on the stage too and yank that microphone off of him. 

So, no, it was not easy to consider even mentioning him here. Add that onto the other half of the equation being Kim K, and it was quite the challenge, let me tell ya! On the one hand we have a pop star whose arrogant ego stretches entire galaxies beyond his grossly over-estimated talent, and on the other hand we have a nice-looking gal who apparently has no demonstrable skills or talent, other than for being (reality TV-fueled) famous for wanting to be famous. So why in God's name are they gracing the current edition of Vogue? Has Vogue gone rogue?!

Yes, it is somewhat of a selling out by the usually unflappable Ms. Wintour but guess what - for all her holier-than-thou "I rule fashion" stance and legendary arrogance over who is in and who is out, she still has to sell magazines! The publishing world has been pilloried over recent years and the rules changed on a quarterly basis it seems, with the depressing realisation that the good old days were over, and this "absolutely horrid" new world of Internet and social media and mobile life were going to ruin everything. As they did - for the old, the lazy and those who refused to change.

Even Anna Wintour knows that she only truly remains "somebody" as long as she keeps her job at Vogue; the second she is ousted, well, not only has all of her power been evaporated, instantly, but the industry enemies she currently keeps at bay behind the shiny, robust Vogue doors and limos and planes all suddenly get equally instant access to her. There's hardly an industry as vicious as the fashion business, and she would have the piranhas gathering in droves to eat her alive, bit by delicious bit. You don't get to where she is in the fashion business without making enemies along the way, particularly in consideration of her dismissive, derisive and dictatorial style (sorry for the pun!).

Notwithstanding her outrageous arrogance over a day job that is of an absolute insignificance to the general population of this so-called modern world, she knew well that KimKan would generate a mass (mess?) of free publicity that would ultimately (natch) sell more magazines. Who cares that they are perhaps the most hated/loved couple in America, and that neither have any serious credentials for being on that cover - as long as we make money and keep the publisher happy!

Did Wintour sell out? Of course she did! Rambling on about how this couple have mastered all modern media as the reason for putting them on the cover does not placate the fashion die-hards who see them both as nothing more than classical emperor's-new-clothes wannabes. Very famous and fabulously rich though, and that clearly classifies as Very Vogueish in Wintour's mind:

"Kanye is an amazing performer and cultural provocateur, while Kim, through her strength of character, has created a place for herself in the glare of the world’s spotlight, and it takes real guts to do that.”

So I guess we will be seeing Sinead O'Connor or Chris Brown on the cover, next?! There's no question that this is all down to Kanye, who in his usual ("I want it therefore that alone makes it a brilliant idea") way actually tends to get what he wants. We all know people like this in offices all over the world. The he/she that's a real pain in the ass, always moaning, not contributing to team dynamics, and yet, the boss never slaps them down and they are the one that gets the nicer office or the salary hike or the promotion. Yeah, that one. 

“There’s no way Kim Kardashian shouldn't be on the cover of Vogue. She’s like the most intriguing woman right now. She’s got Barbara Walters calling her like everyday, and collectively we’re the most influential with clothing.” said West, last October. 

I find it hilarious that a crazed character and gargantuan ego such as West now feels himself so influential that he is going to dictate his agenda to the fashion world. Particularly as he was directing his comments ultimately to the indomitable Wintour, who at almost 64-years-old is old enough to put him over her knee and slap his bottom like he was her bad son. How ironic that she caved, though. Especially after making it apparent that she had no time for such reality TV "stars" in her magazine, and that she okay'ed the cropping out of Kim K from a best dressed gallery that Kanye was included in. What a sell out U-turn?!

So we all know now that Anna Wintour can be "bought" and if you want to be on the cover, dear celebrities, maybe hire Kanye as your agent and perhaps for a huge fee (that matches the ego) you too can grace the cover. Meryl Streep famously played a character believed to be largely based on Wintour in the 2006 film, "The Devil Wears Prada", and it's not a pretty sight. Even though the fearsome and loathsome Miranda Priestly was a total bitch in the office, she appeared to be a loving and adoring mother of twin girls. How lovely!

This is another character we have all seen in bosses in offices around the world. Someone who is a total bastard or complete bitch, but someone whispers to you at the water cooler, "You know? She's apparently a great mom and just lives for those two girls". I always feel like laughing out loud when I hear such hogwash. What do we expect, that the beast in the office goes home to bark orders and abuse their own kids? No, and there are no awards for simply loving your own kids. Being a good mom or dad in the evenings but being a total horror show from 9-to-5 every day still makes you an a**hole, in my opinion. 

I can hear all the fashionistas screeching in outrage, because fashion is so very important in our lives, and if a great artist(e) like Ms. Wintour or the ridiculously pompous and equally ridiculously over-dressed Andre Leon Talley want to be iron-fisted office dictators then let them! But hold on a second here, it's the designers that are the artist(e)s; these two are the mere equivalent of well known music critics -and we all know that music critics are by and large always failed musicians, right?! 

Every time I see Ms. Wintour sitting front row at a hot runway, with her trademark pageboy haircut and dark sunglasses coupled to a stern, serious-as-death expression on her face, I tend to fall about laughing., She really seems to get off on the discernible circumference of fear that surrounds her, with everyone both sycophantically smiling at her yet tangibly afraid to piss her off in any way, given her power to break them in a heartbeat. If she only knew how irrelevant that so-called power actually is, or how insignificant it is in terms of changing the world for the better, she might look a little less smug. Richard Branson, she ain't!

It ain't neurosurgery, people. Nor is it cardiology, nuclear physics, space travel, hunting down killers or even a doctorate degree. It's a lightweight paper mache world populated by a bunch of overly arrogant prima donna characters whose very arrogance is based solely on their opinions of other people's art - for they individually have never created any art in their entire lives. Additionally, it is an art form that bears almost zero relevance to normal people's lives because not only can they not afford the clothes walking down the runway, but they don't want to look ridiculous walking into the office looking like that either. 

But you know? They (including Kanye and Anna) all have created a niche for themselves in a fantasy world where normal life does not really intrude, and if you can get paid big money to live in a fantasy of your own making then why the hell not?! Kanye lives on an entire different wavelength (if not planet, if not galaxy) from  normal people, and maybe that appeals to Anna Wintour because she does, too. Even if being a crazed, obsessive, impulsive loose cannon should not be a quality that grants entry onto the cover of Vogue!

By way of illustration, I included two Vogue covers above. Firstly, let me make it clear that I intentionally did not put the cover in question up there, because it has been seen enough times already and the faces of KimKan will never grace this blog. While we are willing to discuss their presence on the cover from a cultural point of view, due to the huge reaction it caused, we will not give their incredibly dominant faces even a nanosecond of extra face time in this forum. 

The cover on the left is from April, 2013 and looks more or less like a classical Vogue cover, while the other is from April, 2014, and includes a certain Nigella, who, while being indisputably glamorous, is hardly at the centre of the fashion world. I think it is clear that Wintour is evolving the magazine, for circulation purposes, and as the editor-in-chief, well, that's her call and it's also her job. So I think this cover ballyhoo is a storm in a teacup and everyone who expressed fury at it should probably go focus on their own bank balance, their kids, or some other aspect of normal life. KimKan and their undying lust for fame, money and power simply aren't worth adding more grey hair or losing one's time over - just let it go. 

Boy, for a rather frivolous and insignificant subject, I still seem to have expounded at length! That's why you shouldn't get me started, people! And imagine if the subject matter was the fact that my coffee importer had informed me that my current "Holy Volcano Espresso Roast" was no longer available? Friends, that could lead to a blog so interminable that I doubt many of you would ever have the patience to reach the end!

So, I guess we should all be grateful that this particular horror story has not come to pass, and so we can focus on significantly less tragic affairs such as the current cover of Vogue! ;) - Kevin Mc

Degeneres degenerates away from the gold standard - it was the Oscars - not the Ellens!

 

Is it March already?! Doesn't feel like it at all, even if we change the clocks this weekend, the frigid temperatures have ensured that we remain in a deep winter freeze and firmly in a Siberian state of mind. On that note, one will have to forgive me if my take on the recent Oscars shindig is equally entrenched in a nuclear winter mindset - but I can use the chill in my bones as excuse for having little patience for the whole thing!

 

First off, and maybe it's just me, but I kinda do have some trouble with all of the self-flagellating self-congratulatory and outright self-ism of the mere concept of a bunch of famous rich people celebrating, well, themselves, while the economy is a disaster, tens of millions are unemployed, and the country's sons/daughters are off fighting two wars for God-knows-what; coming home missing limbs or worse in pine boxes. Isn't there something terribly tacky and tasteless about it?

 

But as the song goes, "...the public wants, what the public gets", and if you believe Hollywood, the people want Oscar! Our heroes are so adorable and simultaneously adored by us that we want to be reminded how wonderful they are, and how beautiful they look, and how much more successful they have been, as we sit home on a Sunday night dreading the thought of the office next morning, or for many, dreading the coming-back-to-unemployed-reality on yet another useless Monday.

 

But that's okay, because Brad or George or Jack or (new It boy) Jared or Ange or J-Law or Cate or Meryl are simply so magnificent, n'est-ce pas? And can someone please explain to me what's so awe-inspiringly out-of-this-world about a youngish male actor taking his mom to see Oscar? The media get down on their knees in further adulation and adoration because some rich, famous guy flies his mom out to Hollywood for the big night? By so doing, even further inducing female media personalities to go weak at the knees (and seemingly wet between them) at the sight of them, and out come heaps of dripping, salivatory "ooh"s and "ahh"s.  

What's all the fuss about? Is it because their husbands don't treat their moms(in-law) so well, which is nothing to boast about, or is it that it is somehow more praiseworthy when it is such a famous man, and yet, rejoice, he actually finds time for his old mom? He could be with some hot model or for the double whammy, some actress! Yet he chose his mom?! It is ridiculous, and every normal one of us would probably sooner take our mom than our girlfriend to the Oscars, because, well, she made us. Get over it Hollywood, it's enough already!

This whole fascination with actors escapes me. I can see why one looks at a Paul McCartney (oops, Sir Paul!) or Eric Clapton (among tons of others) in awe - they have produced art of their own, on their own, from their genius, then recorded and toured it all over the world, for many decades. Facing an audience night after night for inspection by the buying public, and wowing 'em over and over again - often even more than on record. The best musicians are at their best, live, facing their public.

 

Actors? Perhaps it's an over-simplification, but actors spend their professional lives imitating much more interesting lives with richer stories to tell than their own. Further, actors are truly the talking dummies of the massive production of art required to make a big movie - they don't write the book, they don't write the screenplay, they don't produce (generally speaking) the film, and even while speaking the words of another, they need to take direction on how to say it, and when, and they don't direct how the bigger picture takes shape and forms the whole. They are just the blank canvas onto which the director's vision is imprinted, with yes, a little help from themselves.

 

Now before the whining public ("How dare he put down the noble profession of acting? I will fight to the death for my Tom Cruise!") gets all irradiated, let me clarify it: I am not putting down the profession at all. It surely does require a modicum (in many, many cases) or a truckload (the elite in Hollywood) of talent to successfully pretend to be another, but it is not brain surgery nor is it nuclear physics nor is it even house construction. I am not putting acting down, at all, rather I am merely placing it in context, putting it in its rightful place. It sits where it belongs - it's an art form, but hardly of any heroic nature.

You know? Perhaps I have inadvertently explained the very reason why the Oscars exist - a Hollywood chock-full of insecurity and delicate egos and acting divas absolutely needs to have its yearly bash similarly chock-full of  "aren't we all wonderful?" shenanigans, because for the rest of the year they are people whose job it is (if they are one of the lucky ones) to be the blank slates that they are, and even fool themselves into becoming someone else; someone with a real life. Trust me, a lot of the self-congratulatory swagger evaporates quicker than next morning's hangover after the after-parties, if the next gig ain't lined up!

The very need for the offensive display of golden hardware and back-slapping hubris is testament in and of itself as to how empty their profession often is - the mere act of imitation, on a daily basis, repeated over and over, to the tune of millions of dollars in salary and a(n) (un)healthy dose of heroism attached to the cash. The public gets what the public wants and it seems that a great deal of the public sees heroes in their favourite actors - something which is truly one of the great miscarriages of justice in modern times.

Look me in the eyes people and admit that you would readily fawn over the ridiculously over-hyped Brangelina, for example, with tears in your eyes upon being one of the blessed few who gets to actually touch their sacred hands, but would happily walk past that Afghanistan war veteran in the wheelchair across the street. The senseless worship of the worthless few in the face of the criminal negligence shown towards so many real deal heroes - because money and fame trump all in this society that we live in.

I actually could not watch the show for long this year because not only am I kinda done with award shows for the rich and famous, in general, but add in a host who is salivated over for reasons I cannot comprehend personally, and you have a nausea-inducing mix. I found Ellen Degeneres to be boring as hell, and I was not alone. Almost anyone that I asked was flicking back and forth between other programs and the Oscars, doing their best to avoid the not-so-funny so-called funny bits, to check only on who won what.

Oscar likes his fair share of venom and acid in the host's digs, and yet this is not Ellen's forte; if she indeed still has one. The lashing of the legendary diva Liza Minnelli was a disgrace in my opinion, and a clear sign that Degeneres has degenerated desperately: anything for a laugh, anything for more fame, anything for another buck. It appears to be almost a felony to say anything other than sycophantic praise for Ms. Degeneres, and I would love to know why.

Is it due to some form of reverse political correctness? If one says something harsh and critical about her, and/or God forbid to her, then one will be presumed to be a homophobic bigot? And yet, how ironic that she herself was accused of "transphobia" for her insultingly cheap shot at my Liza? You can bet that had someone shot a similar slur at her, there would have been Twiiter outrage a go-go, a nation in fury, and you can also bet that old Ellen woulda milked it for all it was worth. And how come she has not been forced to issue an apology - something she would surely have demanded had anyone else insulted a celebrity due to gender/sexuality issues.

Ah, but with success, fame and fortune comes the Godhead syndrome, and the I-am-never- wrong phenotype. I saw her talking to Robin Roberts just pre-Oscars,  and among other self-serving things she said, already basking in the glow of Oscar-induced spotlight, was, "I don't want to hurt anybody". Yet she calls out Liza Minelli mere hours later, and accuses her of being a man impersonating a woman called Liza Minelli, to get a laugh and earn another buck? Shame on you, Ms. Degenerated!

Apart from all that, I could care less about her sexual preferences or her and old Portia, and their much-publicised much-showed off lives and lifestyle and homes, and it's not because she maybe used to be a groundbreaking lesbian comedian that I am not supposed to say out loud that her hosting of the Oscars was a cringe-worthy shambles and a total borefest? The pizza schtick alone had me reaching for the vomitarium, as I could feel my own pizza dough rising once more. The pizza resurrection no less! 

In the words of the Hollywood Reporter: "Ellen flops in long, boring, self-involved show."

"As a television event, this year's Oscars was more like an endurance test -- turgid, badly directed, poorly produced and featuring an endless string of tired or wince-inducing moments from host Ellen DeGeneres."

 
Agreed. Couldn't have said it more accurately myself. I find Ellen to be totally in love with herself, first and foremost, as well as with her own fame - of which she wants more and more and more. I think the poor girl made the huge fundamental error of believing her own (originating inside her own head) hype and thinking that the masses wanted to see an Oscar show resembling her talk show, i.e. it's all about me, people! The Ellen Degeneres Show, but degenerated into a multi-hour yawnfest? It was a huge miscalculation because everyone of us was reaching for the remote. It was neither funny nor entertaining.

Having her own talk show where she gets to commit DWTS suicide every day on the audience steps, in some ridiculously cringe-inducing ritual with a screaming gaggle of girls approving every gesture doesn't appear to be enough. She needs more adulation. I found her baiting of our Oprah, and her unrestrained pseudo-demand to be on the cover of "O Magazine" to be completely execrable, I'm afraid. Devoid of any class and totally lacking in good taste. Her willingness to do L'Oreal ads that verged on the ridiculous with her faking sauntering down some stairs like a supermodel arriving on the catwalk were so amateurish that I am amazed L'Oreal approved and released them. But I guess the director got what he could out of the shoot, and it was too costly to do again?

And let's not talk American Idol please - a massive, massive error by Simon Cowell et al. that derailed that show then, and its aftershocks are still being felt today in the struggling franchise. Quite what Ellen was doing on that show is totally beyond many, because she is neither skilled, trained, educated nor articulate about the technical art of singing, and knows nothing about the  music business. No, Ellen, saying "But I love music!" does not count and should never have earned you a seat beside the inestimable talents of Mr. Simon Cowell. Even if it did earn you yet another truckload of cash, and that's what it's all about, right?

Ditto, the Oscars. Come back Billy Crystal, all is forgiven, especially as there is nothing to forgive anyway. He is a genius and he does know how to handle that gig, and carry it off with magical aplomb. But his shoes are enormous, and her tiny feet could not fill the shoes enough to even keep them on, and they flopped off of her very early in the performance. Oscar committee members - we will forgive you the 2014 debacle, but do not repeat the mistake and do not have her on again in the next five years. She needs to go back to her day job and recover in front of her sycophantic audience who no doubt will scream (in pain) at every single mention of Oscar by she-who-has-degenerated.

The facade aspect is always fun to watch though. There I was thinking, my God she has my Samsung Galaxy Note 3, which she used for all the self-indulgent selfies, and there was me thinking she just has to be an iPhone gal, right? Apparently not, as it was clearly Samsung-branded and was too big to be the Galaxy S4 even - wow, so she became cool in a tech sense at least? Not. I used the word "apparently" because appearances can be deceiving. My men on the street whispered to me that pre-show, she had no idea how to use the bloody thing, and needed on-site in situ training on how to capture images on that sleek, white beast. Aha!

Like everything else in Hollywood, it's all about the image. And the money. Even though one is a loyal iPhone lover, if one is paid truckloads to prance around taking self-loving selfies on a competitor brand's device, well, why not? I can go straight back to Apple after the show, and yet I looked supercool on TV watched by millions. It's win-win!

Speaking of win-win, someone please tell me that DWTS has confirmed that Ellen Degeneres will never be invited to become one of the celebrity dancers on that show because that would become another one of the great miscarriages of justice in modern times! Don't tell me that any sane person considers her start-of-show stairwalks to be in any way equitable with the term "dancing", and let's definitely not discuss her straddling a coffee table or her legs suspended above it to be remotely anything other than the personification of the word ridiculous.

You see? I did warn you that the chill in the air might infiltrate the tone of today's post but let me reassure you, pop culture peeps one and all, that every single word has at least a large dose of reality and truth typed into it. I am rarely far from the bullseye, people, and am willing to share even the frozen truth when instance commands it. Now then, they do tell me that more spring-like temperatures are coming, and in the meantime I am off to procure a large tumbler of that exquisite chocolatey espresso allonge sourced from an emperor's private stock in a recently opened pyramid in Egypt! ;) - Kevin Mc